Give up the hope

The past two weeks have projected some mega drama in my life. Shock gets its way by catching you when you least expect it, unprepared, with your sword and armour no where to be seen. It changes the flow of things in an opposite, criss-cross direction anytime between a frame of a milisecond to overnight, leaving you lost without a map.

Friends who are close to heart would understand my vague language and what has kept me speechless and quiet from blogging for a while. I can only say I was numb. Very numb on the inside yet operating well on the outside for the world to see. I spent nights going through thoughts in my head, over and over and over again. Balancing that with a set of emotions and the logic of what's right and wrong yet contradicting all that with a list of the invisibles...fate, chemistry, connection and bond beyond comprehension.

Yet...if a person loves you, would he/ she hurt you? No, wait. I take that back. Hurt is too mild a word in a world where everyone seems to be hurting everyone else anyway. Destroy. Yes, that's more like it. Destroy you.

I've been hearing one too many true stories on cheating of recent times. Boyfriends on girlfriends. Girlfriends on boyfriends. Husbands on wives. Wives on husbands. Partners on best friends. Friends on friends. Single on married. Married with kids on single.
It has become...very sadly, a deadly relationship disease. But I won't go down that topic. I think Adrian did a couple of thumbs-up entries in his blog on the subject.

I've decided to focus on forgiveness. The painful challenge that comes after the huge mistake has been done. The application of Vitamin E oil with great hopes that by some miracle, the most ugliest scar will fade after the deep cut. The stormy clouds that bring an untimely dark season, covering those pretty clear blue skies indefinitely. The major scrubbing after the milk has exploded out of the carton and stained the carpet, leaving an awfully rotten smell.

You may think forgiveness isn't your cup of tea. Maybe just not yet. Or you may think you forgave many moons ago. But forgiveness isn't just a word.

I was once asked, to my surprise, "Will you ever forgive me for what I did to you?". Why the surprise? Simply for the fact that my act to forgive would be questionable. And when anyone knows me well, they know well enough that I will forgive and not hold tight grudges. But then it dawned on me that although I had already forgiven a long time ago, he had come to a point where he could truly understand his mistakes and the regret of it all, topped up with bitter icings of guilt. And when someone who wrongs you comes to that point in their life, they need that assurance that you have indeed forgiven them. But will it suffice in making them feel better and will they ever be free of the guilt?
That in turn made me question myself, "Have I really, truly forgiven him? Can I honestly say I have?".

So I've been carrying an aching burden around, trying to survive and pull from day to day. Friends ask, "how are you?" and I can either give them the default "ok" answer or substitute it with "surviving", "recovering", "healing", "numb".
Truth of the matter was, I really didn't know how to word my emotions. I just know that I feel uncomfortable, sick and unsettled inside.

I told God, "Please, let this all end soon. Please take all the uncomfort away soonest possible. I don't wanna waste time feeling this way." And then one day becomes another and time just passes you by and everything's still the same. Time passes slower than ever.

Until yesterday.

I was watching Oprah and found the answer. Below are some brief transcripts from a portion of her show, by a guest, a pastor and Miss Winfrey herself. For all of you who are in troubling times, been burn, left alone, confused, in disbelief of all that has happened and finding the strength to forgive, for whatever depression you may be in, small or big, I sincerely do hope this paves the way for your first few baby steps out of it:

I have to forgive him in order to fulfill the life I was intended to live because the life that I'm living now is the life that he forced on me and until I get passed that, I can't begin to live the life that God intends for me to have. It's like it dominates me, because of the secrets I'm always covering up. Covering this and that to make sure nobody finds out. I'm tired of trying to cover up. Just get it over with, let everybody know what happened and live the life I am intended to live. So I feel free-er today.

Forgiveness is a confusing term. To forgive, he no longer holds you hostage. Anger has an umbilical cord that keeps you tied to the past. As long as you're angry about it, you're still tied to it and the person is still controlling you even with your rage.

The best definition for forgiveness is:

Giving up the hope that the past can be any different

It doesn't mean you have to accept the person back into your life. Forgiveness doesn't mean "I wanna have you over for dinner". It doesn't mean I want to associate with you. It just means that I will no longer be tied to the past. Forgiveness is not about exalting them. It's about empowering you. It's cutting the cord that keeps you tied to the past or you're gonna lose your future.

Forgiveness doesn't mean to say "What you did to me was okay". No. It just means that I refuse to live in the prison of anger.

One of the words for forgiveness is to 'let it go'. To get it out of you. It's literally 'to exhale'.
It's very important to get it out of you but it's not a natural. We don't automatically forgive people who have hurt us and we probably will never forget what they did. The process is that different people go through different rage to get to the place where they can let it go but it is incredibly essential that you ultimately let it go because it does keep you tied, does eat up your life. Because a lot of energy is spent on hating. It takes a lot of energy to maintain hating and that's a tragedy, because the anger is molesting as much as the perpetrator did.

"This is what I learned about being angry. I was angry with somebody many years ago and I was walking down the streets one day and I saw them coming out of Marcia Fields, shopping, looking veryyyy happy! And I'm like, here I am angry with them while they are having a good time and they don't even realise that I'm mad! So the idea is letting it go for yourself. The idea of giving up the hope that the past could be any different." - Oprah Winfrey

I never thought I was angry. And I sincerely thought I had forgiven.
Maybe we sometimes think we are when we are not. We have when we have not. We did when we did not.
Maybe all I just needed was to give up the hope that the past can be any different. And...

I have. :D